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Woo and Wed the Easy Way
He calls it the Immersion Technique. A seven-step procedure meticulously crafted from Lowe's personal experiences in the dating world, it was designed, scratch that, guaranteed (he says) to have you walking down the aisle with an ideal mate in less than two years. It worked for him, he says (although he's only engaged at the moment), and if the book he plans to write materializes, happy couples could be sprouting across America like tulips this spring. Lowe's book would be another in a long line of self-help books such as Ellen Fein's 1995 relationship guide, "The Rules." "I formulated a way to find a marital partner," says the 59-year-old Lowe matter-of-factly at his home here. "I figured if I kept track of all my experiences as a single person, I could reach out to a lot of people." Lowe, who has a private practice in Boston, began his research in 1993 when he started keeping journals of all his dating endeavors -- and there were many, he says. But eventually the fast-paced lifestyle grew tiresome. After scores of cocktail parties and candlelight dinners for two, Lowe knew the time had come to get serious. By this time, his journals were overflowing -- this works, that doesn't, don't go there. Like any good researcher, Lowe studied his data. Poring over a cache of empirical evidence, the gregarious psychologist painstakingly analyzed the relevant do's and don'ts of the middle-aged singles scene. And, bit by bit, sense began to emerge from the chaos of lists and scribbles. Dr. Lowe began to see The Plan. Enter Mercia Tapping, now Lowe's fiancée. He found her by using -- you got it -- his seven-step plan. Once a skeptic and now a believer, the 50-year-old Tapping plans to co-author the book. Poised in fold-out chairs in the plush blue, book-lined office of the home they share, the two are eager to clue others in on their strategy for gaining a romantic edge. Between them looms a large blackboard with "Immersion Technique" sprawled across its top. Behold, the seven stages: Stage One: Getting Started or the list. Everyone seeking a mate should have a list of the qualities he is looking for. This is fundamental. "How do you know if you've found the right person," Lowe asks, "If you don't know what you want?" "You need to have a plan," adds Tapping. "You wouldn't go into business without a plan, yet for some reason people think it's different with relationships." Stage Two: The Search. In this phase, you need to get out into the singles world and really look around. This requires a great deal of effort. "You need to find leads, whether through personals or a dating service," Lowe says. "Put aside 30 minutes a day to work on your plan. And if one doesn't work, try another." Forget the "romantic myth": the belief that a person is right for you because of initial chemistry. Chemistry, Lowe maintains, comes later. Stage Three: The Interview. This is when you begin to weed out some of the people you've attracted in Stage Two, meeting in a comfortable place and setting. It is basically a screening mechanism, so you don't waste your time. There are several "red flags" to watch for, including financial woes, drinking problems and unresolved relationships. In short, steer clear of people with troubled pasts. Stage Four: Intensive Dating. Here's where things really get serious. This can only be done with one or maybe two prospects. Spend two or three days a week with each person and make telephone contact daily. This period lasts one to six months. "This should be goal-oriented," Lowe says, "rather than being allowed to drift." At this point, some chemistry should begin to develop. Stage Five: Immersion. Ah yes, Stage Five. Lowe and Tapping look to one another and back to the board and to each other again. "This stage is somewhat, uh, controversial," Lowe says, quickly adding, "though central to the theory." Tapping interrupts. "It's very important to have a trial period where someone can see all sides of you. Extremely important." OK, let's have it. "We recommend," says Lowe slowly, "that while maintaining separate residences, you go to live with the person [who has survived the first four steps] for 90 days." If things don't work at this stage, get out. Return to Stage One. Keep in mind the ultimate goal. Stage Six: Bonding: At the successful completion of Immersion, you give up one of the two residences and continue to live with the person for exactly one year. This is the time you really concentrate on whether or not to get married. "This stage is designing the future, getting the nitty gritty details," says Tapping. "These are the things people really get hung up on, such as, do we have a joint bank account or separate bank accounts?" If there is any doubt here, you must exit. You should never settle for relationships that merely "have potential." Stage Seven: Marriage. The end of the road. Basically, if you can make it through the first six stages with someone, they pass. Marry them. It's as simple -- or maybe as complex -- as that. But isn't all this by-the-book stuff just a little anal retentive? Even, well, boring? "I've had that reaction," Lowe says, "because people don't want to give up the romantic myth." Tapping agrees. "It's knowing what you want," she says, "and making a plan of how to get it." Asked when they met, Lowe seems hardly the romantic. "I interviewed Mercia last September," he recalls. They've been engaged since May and plan to marry next spring. At first, Tapping was put off by his persistent questioning. "I thought him nosy," she says. But soon she came around to his way of thinking. Now she calls him "The Love Doctor." "With my plan," says Lowe, "you'll know after one year." He says there's just not enough time to spend any longer. Lowe's done the math. "If I took three years with every person I met and dated, that would be something like 34 years." And that's just too long, he says with a straight face. "That's an awful lot of interviewing." (republished from The Boston Globe, August 5, 1996) |
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Like
so many of the hopeful unattached, Lowe, a specialist in relationship
therapy, knew what end he sought -- marriage -- but lacked the means.
What set Lowe apart from the rest of the mate-seeking masses was the
simple fact that he had devised a plan and was convinced it was flawless. 
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